Kit Kat, how did you know about that blue wire?
I was afraid you wouldn't drop by.
Am I late?
You look very nice. You really do.
- What? - I am the waiter.
Very nice.
And bring ketchup.
You heard him.
Come on, Pierre, read my lips.
Steak burger.
French fries. This is France. You gotta have French fries.
Actually, it's Italy.
As if it made a difference.
To be in "Paree" and in love.
They had the worst ketchup in prison.
Prison?
I was a warden.
- How long were you in? - Let's just say I never saw E.T.
Wow.
You were in the joint doing hard time.
It's funny, but that excites me.
I seem to have a thing for sinners.
I seem to have a thing for sinning. Check please.
Where'd you get the hawk?
Ossining, New York.
Where'd you get the name Hudson Hawk?
Well, "the hawk" is a slang word...
for the cold wind that blows in the wintertime.
I grew up in Hoboken, New Jersey, which is on the Hudson River.
- So Hudson River... - Hudson Hawk.
- Where'd you get these? - I had an accident around the house.
- What happened? - Fell on some chickens.
- Does it hurt? - Yes, they hurt.
- Maybe I can make them feel better. - Well, okay. See what you can do.
Don't tickle me. Don't do it because I gotta tell you something.
What?
I better whisper it to you.
Come here.
I can't.
- What's the matter? - It's been a long time for me.
It's been a really long time for me.
Outside of a friendly dog yesterday, this has been a slow decade.
I don't make love every ten years, I get a cranky.
I'm not sure if I remember how to kiss girls.
Not that I ever kissed guys.
Catholic girls are scary.
- Somebody robbed the Vatican. - Really?
It's not what you think. Well, maybe it is.
You went and did it. You really did it.
In less than one day of planning, you did it.
You started the week by stealing the "Sforza" and ended by swiping the codex.
What are your plans for the weekend? Hoisting away the Coliseum?
Tell me. Did the devil make you do it? Or did Darwin and Minerva Mayflower?
Can't we go back to the kissing part?
What's going on in there?
You want me to rape them?
Just read your book, Butterfinger.
"Not in a boat. Not on a train.
Not with a goat. Not in the rain. I do not like green eggs and ham. "
To yourself.
It's more complicated than that.
Two years I've tracked the Mayflowers' interest in the three da Vinci pieces.
The "'Sforza" was a fake, but I was under orders not to denounce it.
Does everybody in the whole world know more than me?
- You didn't know? - No.
I'm just good at swiping stuff.
Who knew that would lead to this?
They've even got the C.I.A. Involved now.
Here's looking at you, kid.
Hey, this doesn't taste like cappuccino.
Oh. I guess I put too much ethyl chloride in it.
Why didn't you tell me that Hawk had hit the Vatican tonight?
My people will not be happy. I want to see Kaplan.
Damn meddlesome Vatican organization.
Way to go!
Hudson Hawk had some interesting things to say about you and the Mayflowers.
Basically that you're all a part of the same carpool.
Anna, Anna, if that were so...
Almond Joy would have handed you your heart after you handed her the codex.
The trip is this.
When the Mayflowers find out we have the codex, they'll want to make a deal.
We deal, they'll buy, we bust.
- A classic sting. - What happens to Hudson Hawk?
I wouldn't worry much about him.
He's in very good hands.
But you look really tired, kiddo.
Maybe you should go back to Rome and get some sleep. Kit Kat!
Oh, there you are.
See that Miss Baragli gets home safely.
Arrivederci, baby.
It's a great dress, but why didn't you let me cut her heart out?
Close call. Close call.
But she's our only way of keeping tabs on the mysterious Vatican organization.
Bunny Mayflower!
Forgive me, for I have sinned. It's been 1,200 hours since my last confession.
Hit me with your best shot.
I betrayed a man.
A good man, an innocent man, a thief.
What are you trying to say?
Father, we've been double-crossed by the C.I.A.
Hudson Hawk is not who we thought he was.
He came into a world where crime is a legitimate business tactic...
and legitimate government procedure.
But he knew right from wrong.
And we kind of messed around.
Messed around?
Seventeen Hail Marys...
and five minutes outside.
So, Sister, what you are saying is...
that Hudson Hawk is not willingly working for the Mayflowers...
but that Kaplan and the candy bars are.
I thought we were using the C.I.A. To get to Mayflower, but they're using me.
The pope warned me never to trust the C.I.A.
If the Mayflowers get all three crystals for the gold machine...
the world economy will be ruined.
Lord help us.
But what of Tommy Five-Tone, Hawk's friend? Where's his loyalty?
I'll find out.
Remember, you have your vows to God as well as your mission to the world.
Yes, Your Eminence.
- Just say, "God go with me. " - God go with you, Sister.
Ball! Ball!
Jolly good shot.
Oh, Hudson Hawk.
Hudson Hawk! You cease to amaze me, convict.
You are a terrible cat burglar.
Haven't you ever seen David Niven? Tiptoe in, tiptoe out.
- Like a cat, one would say. - I could take it back.
- Let me do that. - I don't care.
Oh, you two!
There's nothing I hate more than failure.
You only had to follow Hawk.
It's not like I said teach our nation's children how to read.
We'll have to kill them.
God, Minerva! I was just joking.
- Get away from there. - Just browsing.
Don't hurt him. We need him for the final job.
Oh, really?
Don't hurt him? Even if he does this?
What about this?
Surely this must offend.
Things are really heating up at the castle tonight.
Mama Mia Pizzeria. May I call you Minnie?
You put your left foot in You put your left foot out
There is a part of your body you won't be needing for your next job.
I always wanted to sing like Frankie Valli.
Big boys don't cry.
Three minutes, 27 seconds.
Look, you Eddie Munster motherfucker...
somebody better tell me what's going on or I ain't moving another muscle.
- I want to be treated like an adult. - That's fair. Go to your room!
What?
So, Captain Hawk...
in one of your paws you've got a gold bar worth about eight thou.
In the autre, you've got lead that won't get you gelato.
Surely a master thief like you can tell the difference.
One down. Kitty Carlisle.
Cool, isn't it? Weight, feel, malleability.
They're all but identical.
On the periodic chart of elements, they're but one proton apart.
Great minds worked for centuries to turn worthless into priceless.
Alchemy?
Alchemy is the business term of the '90s.
Minerva read about it in an airline magazine four years ago.
I dumped some lire into research.
Shazam! We come across a diary by one of da Vinci's assistants...
detailing la machina de oro...
the gold machine for those at home.
And the rest is about to become history.
Money isn't everything.
Gold is.
Fuck T-bills! Fuck blue chip stocks!
Fuck junk bonds! We've got the real deal.
Money will always be paper...
but gold will always be gold.
After a couple years of steady production...
we'll flood the market with so much gold that gold itself...
the foundation of all finance, will lose its meaning.
Brokers, economists, fellow entrepreneurs...
will drown in the saliva of their own nervous breakdowns.
- Sounds like a party. - Markets will crash, crash.
Financial empires will crumble, crumble.
Except yours, yours.
In 1992, baby...
the European superpowers are c>oming together for one business superpower.
- That's one party we'll love to poop. - That's set.
The last ingredient in the recipe is da Vinci's model of a helicopter.
On display for three days only at the Louvre in Paris.
- As opposed to the Louvre in Wisconsin? - Shut up. I'll lose my place.
You'll have to go in at night. The security will be overwhelming.
Twelve guards...
Time out.
I choose not to accept the assignment, Mr. Phelps.
Put me in jail.
Jail, you asshole! Our foot soldiers will blow your brains out.
Bunny, ball-ball.
I'll torture you so slowly, you'll think it's a career.
I'll kill your friends, your family...
and the bitch you took to the prom.
Betty Jo Biarski? I can get you an address.
You have a dilemma.
I think I know what will help you solve it.
I'll kill you all! I swear to God!
I'll kill the butler, that yappy dog.
I'm sick of this.
I hated cigarettes until I saw my first "no smoking" sign.
"Keep off the grass," let's play soccer.
The only law I cared for was friendship. I broke that one, too, didn't I?
I don't think it's a smoking hot idea to leave them in there alone.
Relax. That's why we hired the pasta slurping guinea: To keep Hawk in line.
This Gates-Mario Brothers, C.I.A.- Mayflower da Vinci thing...
seemed like a sweet deal.
Visit foreign lands, take their treasures.
I thought you'd get into it.
It's better than playing darts with M.B.A. S at the bar.
But I didn't think it was going to be like this.
Them using me to use you.
I'm sorry, Eddie.
There's only one way out of this.
And it's gonna hurt me more than it's gonna hurt you.
They'll talk about being buddies and chugging brewskis.
You've got to love male bonding.
Fucked my freedom for a lousy job.
You know something? You hit like a girl!
Really?
I was only kidding.
Tommy, no!
Plan B, George.
Plan B?
No sweat, Tommy. You made the biggest mistake of my life.
Don't act like you never committed a crime before. I know I made a bad call.
But when Anna tracked me down... It was so beautiful.
When those blanks went off, everybody freaked.
Ketchup. You can't beat Heinz 57.
You fucked my freedom for a lousy job?
- You don't understand. - You should be glad I don't hit women.
Assuming you are a woman. From now on, I ain't taking nothing for granted.
I'm sorry. I work undercover for a Vatican humanitarian organization.
Anna made me realize what a pawn I was.
- Man, I love you. - I care for you.
Oh. Then what's this?
- Where did you get that? - The da Vinci Castle.
The place where you gave the bad guys the codex.
- That's from the gold machine. - Yeah.
They were that close to making it work.
But now they've lost the greatest cat burglar and his dead partner...
They won't be able to steal the third piece of the crystal.
And we get to go home.
- Let me ask you something. - Go ahead.
Why'd they leave all these rocks laying in the backyard?
They're called ruins.
Ruins? Good name.
He had this look on his face when we caught him. It was like...
I never saw a look on a face like this.
He was so embarrassed.
Speaking of being caught, isn't the C.I.A. Gonna check out this place?
No. They fell for the fake death.
They think Hawk's been arrested.
Kaplan and the candy bars were seen boarding a plane out of Rome.
- Where to? - Quit worrying about them.
I'm not worried. I'm just being cautious.
- Okay. On that note, it's time for bed. - I couldn't agree more.
You sleep here.
- Where you gonna sleep? - What do you think?
Yeah. Good night.
I'll get some sheets.
Yeah, we'll get you some sheets.
- It's a very special night. - Yes, it was.
- Is. - Was.
There's some things you don't know about me.
There are things I do know about you, and about me and about that bed.
This is not the time.
Look, can't we have a late-night cappuccino?
I'm sorry, but the machine's still set up for poisonous foam.
Oh, yeah. I remember.
Good night.
Don't even think about it. Don't say another word.
It's a very special night
You're very funny.
Good morning.
The license plates on the police van had a Vatican prefix.
I'm losing respect for you.
You were that close to getting away with this crap.
Where's Anna?
It's nice of you guys to drop by, but next time you might phone ahead.
Come back in a half hour. We'll grab a shower, pick up some croissants.
I wish I could come up with this glib repartee the way you guys can.
But I can't, so I'll just paralyze you. A.J.?
Curare darts.
When it comes to instantaneous loss of physical control below the neck...
I highly recommend them.
I can't move! I'm gonna rip their fucking tongues out!
Come here, you chickenshit son of a bitch!
Come here! My head against your head. Fair fight.
This is how I go out? Like a hunk of frozen Play-Doh?
Like a Gumby in a store?
What the fuck are you... Keep laughing, Jumbo.
It's coming out my nose.
This is no way, George, to get me to rob the Louvre.
The Louvre?
The Louvre, Hawk, is yesterday's news.
Or should I say, this morning's.
I admit we displayed a lack of nuance.
Didn't wear black, didn't sing "Swinging on a Star. "
We weren't being judged for neatness, only results.
Goddamn it! Yanks lose again!
- How'd the Mets do? - Can you turn to Section B?
You guys may be the fairest cat burglars of them all...
but if you weren't such snobs, those guards at the Louvre might be alive.
That's irrelevant now.
You're irrelevant now.
Because tonight...
at the Castle da Vinci, we make gold!
Rise and shine, sleepyheads!
More babes for the party.
Hi, Anna.
Don't be stupid, Mr. Kaplan. Give me the crystal.
Anna Baragli!
Came to play!
Anna-banana-fo-fanna...
you're not gonna shoot little ol' me, are you?
You're not gonna shoot little ol' anybody.
- Pull the trigger. - Shoot, Anna, shoot.
- I read your dossier, Sister. - Pull the trigger!
Why did she call you "sister"?
- I'm sorry. I meant to tell you. - He didn't know.
- He didn't know! - Know what?
Hawk likes a nun.
Those better be tears you're crying.
They are.
- It doesn't mean I don't love you. - No, you love me. It's your job!
- You probably love Butterfinger. - Well, yeah.
In a weird sort of Catholic way, I do.
But you... You...
Miss Baragli's da Vinci expertise allows her to go on to the next course.
- And as for you guys... - Sorry, guys.
A souvenir.
- Later, guys. - Easy for you to say.
We got some good news and some bad news.
The good news is you'll be unparalyzed in about two minutes.
That bad news is that leaves you with five seconds to defuse the bombs.
Bombs?
I'm so glad it had to be like this.
I'll shoot one in the kitchen for good measure.
Almond Joy, more paralysis!
- You can move? - Yeah.
This is what I get for darting a nun?
Get this off my head!
- Look at Snickers. - He's about to have a migraine.
Maybe it's a dud.
I don't know. It must be the curare.
It's been known to have side effects.
Oh, really, George?
I feel like a dolphin who's never tasted melted snow.
Listen, Anna.
The apprentice's diary contains a code that explains...
how the three pieces of crystal fit together.
If you could do us the honor, and decipher how the code works...
we would be eternally grateful.
What's the color blue taste like?
Bobo knows.
I must speak with the dolphins now.
Just shoot her. Anybody?
This is supposed to be torture, not therapy.
The old man said turn left at the fork.
If you want to save Anna, you've got to find the castle first.
- Quit pushing. - I'm not pushing.
- Count of three? - Why not just go now?
- Tommy, who are you, Bob Hope? - What are you talking about?
- What are you doing with that golf bag? - I've got a plan.
- Is it a great plan? - A great big plan.
- Let me ask you something. - Go ahead.
- How do I look? - Great. Are you kidding?
No, I want you to tell me.
- I've been away a long time. - We're hanging over a chasm.
- You're asking me how you look? - Okay. You don't gotta get...
- You look gorgeous, like El Zorro. - I didn't know.
A lifetime of service, and it's come to this.
The dolphin is dead.
The dolphin is... Come on, you bitch!
I'm not a very good damsel in a dress, am I?
You must pay the rent! But I can't pay the rent!
Yo, Flipper. A damsel in distress implies that there is...
some well-hung Dudley Do-Right galloping up to save you.
It ain't gonna happen.
Hudson Hawk go boom boom. He dead.
- I'm thinking of using the 7 iron. - Looks long.
- Six iron? - Bingo.
Thank you. Fore!
Fore? Did anybody hear something?
Can you believe it?
I heard something.
- Did you set the timer on that thing? - No.
From now on, set the timer.
Come on, Butterfinger.
Kit Kat, guard the Mayflowers with your life.
Kit Kat, are you really going to guard us with your life?
Double crossbow for a double-cross.
Alfie, you dry British madman!
Catch you later, baby.
- Why did you do that? - Try this one, Sister.
Thou shalt not share.
It's in the hole! The gallery's ecstatic!
- He's gotta be happy with that one. - So what do you say?
2-1/2 minutes to save Anna, 3-1/2 to save the world.
6-0-0. "Side by Side"?
Oh, we ain't got a barrel of money
We may be ragged and funny
But we'll travel along
Hit it! Singing a song
Side by side
Let's go this way.
We better go this way.
Okay. This way.
Eddie, we better split up.
I'll take the front 9, you the back 9, and we'll meet back at the clubhouse.
- Hey, Tommy, looking good, my man. - Thanks.
How you doing?
Three. Two. One.
Go in, brief the Mayflowers on the current situation.
You got it, coach.
Through all kinds of weather
What if the sky should fall
Just as long as we're together
It doesn't matter at all
When they've all had their quarrels and parted
We'll be the same as we started
Just sailing along singing a song
Side by...
Side. I'll take that, sir.
Hey, coach, looks bad.
Those Mayflowers set us up.
Jumbo, we hardly knew you.
Since you won't tell us what we want to know...
I think it's time for you to report to the head office in heaven, Sis.
If you see the big guy, tell him He's a loser.
That's it.
That didn't hurt.
No? Try this.
What do you say now, you centrally intelligent scumsicle?
Getting old, George?
Tommy, you New York Italian father-made-$20-a-week son of a bitch!
You were hired as bait.
On this simple task, you have betrayed me.
- Do you have an answer why? - I got five of them.
One! Two!
Three! Four! Just one more.
It didn't hurt.
How do I stop?
My hat.
You've never fucked with anybody from Hoboken before!
Anna, we're supposed to be saving you.
I'm sorry. I got bored, so I saved myself.
- We've got to get those crystals. - Got 'em here, cowboy.
"Got 'em here, cowboy. "
Sounds like Tommy.
I won't be needing the car anymore.
My pension!
- Friend of yours? - Dead!
Hudson, look...
out.
Anna, Hawkmeister, you're probably wondering why you're still alive.
We're still having a problem putting this damn crystal together.
Alfie and I have been at it all night. Well?
What are you waiting for?
- Don't do it. - Relax.
Besides, we don't have much choice, do we?
Oh, Hawk.
Don't ever change.
Nice Hawk.
Bad Hawk!
Why is the world jam-packed with such idiots?
Every schmoe has a fantasy that the planet revolves around them.
It rains.
A car crash stops traffic. You say, "How can this happen to me?"
But for us, this isn't a fantasy. It is a reality.
Oh, yes! If da Vinci was alive today...
he'd be eating microwave sushi, naked in the back of a Cadillac with both of us.
The project of his life is now the toy of mine.
History, tradition, culture are not concepts.
These are trophies I keep in my den as paperweights!
The chaos we will cause the world with this machine...
will be our final masterpiece!
Go, team, go!
Yes!
Now!
Eureka, motherfucker!
You should feel good about yourself.
- Let me ask you something. - What?
What would happen if I didn't put that crystal together right?
What do you mean?
Let's say I left out this little piece of mirror.
- Would that be bad? - Real bad.
Good.
How.
Your turn.
How'd it get to be my turn? I just killed Darwin and Minerva.
- Definitely your turn. - Shit!
Stay over here and try to stay out of the way.
- Hudson? - What?
- Thou shalt not kill! - Sorry.
No! Stop helping me.
You won't be attending that hat convention in July.
- My turn? - Yeah.
What's with this dog?
Bunny?
Ball-ball.
Come on, Puppy Chow. Got to go.
Here we go.
Hang on.
Leonardo!
Go, Leonardo! Please, please!
Oh, baby!
Hi, kids!
- Anna? - Yes, Hudson?
- Can I ask you something? - Sure.
Will you play Nintendo with me?
I can't think of anybody I'd rather play Nintendo with.
Wait a minute. What about your boss?
- What boss? - You know.
Oh, I think He wants me to keep an eye on you.
I think He wants you to keep an eye on me, too...
'cause I've got criminal tendencies.
- Can I buy you a cappuccino? - Yes.
- Can I give you a kiss? - Yes.
I wish Tommy were here.
No way!
- That's not very nice. - No way!
Yes, way!
Did I miss anything?
You're supposed to be all cracked up at the bottom of the hill.
Air bags! Can you fucking believe it?
You're supposed to be blown up into fiery chunks of flesh.
Sprinkler system set up in the back.
Can you fucking believe it?
Yeah! That's probably what happened.
Drink your cappuccino.
Drink your coffee.
With the world saved, and the secrets of da Vinci protected...
Eddie finally got his coffee.
Split & Resynck: Xenzai
Split & Resynck: *** Xenzai ***